My Top 10 Pet Motoring Hates

Am I the only motorist who wishes they had a sjambok in their car?  Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating road rage, and do not condone it under any circumstances.  But lets be honest, the way some motorists drive makes me want to give them a smack, all in the name of loving correction of course.  Here is my list of top 10 drivers I would love to give a hot klap (I hope you are not one of them!):

1.  Motorists  who straddle lanes
The lines on the road are not decoration.  They are there to define which side of the road your car should be on.  When motorists drive slap bang in the middle of both lanes they are demonstrating that they didn't have coloring-in books as children.  Go to any crèche and you will find children vigorously coloring-in outlines of everyday household objects.  Whilst it might seem like child's play, it really is an early driving lesson and one life which will come in handy as a motorist.  If you are unsure about your abilities in this department, either colour in something out of your child's book or watch out for  irritated drivers hooting and trying to get around you on the road. 

2. Frustrated Djs
Motorists who roll down all the car windows, then pump up the volume of their car radios to the max are simply annoying.  You have no right to subject me to an outdated rendition of Lost Without You by Boyz To Men, and I'll have you know that i have a radio in my car too, but to revert to the basics ofnthe English language, the word YOUR music in YOUR car is for YOUR listening pleasure and is not OUR music in YOUR car.  Give us a break people please and keep your music preferences to yourself.

4. Late birth control users
 Parents, when you do not strap your children into their seats, what exactly are you thinking?  Do you really need to be told that it is dangerous or are you making a public declaration that the birth control you were using wasn't effective?  Your kids don't look cute hanging out of a moving car window and will less cute decapitated.  Strap them in or leave them at home, but I think it should be law that motorists can klap drivers who allow this.

5. Unfit motorists
There is certain type of driver who feels compelled to overtake you, then slow down in front of you as if they ran out of petrol!  If I were a guy and your car was clad in form fitting jeans perhaps I wouldn't mind, but as my only view is metal and tail lights, I don't understand what the purpose of this is.  Someone please enlighten me.

6. Curb crawlers
We've all had to drive behind the guys who holds up traffic by driving at a snails pace because he is openly gawking at women pedestrians.  Gentlemen, its unsavory and makes you look like a sexual predator.  With so many women walking on the road, it's a wonder these guys ever get to their destination!

7. Cowards
Men who are intimidated by women who drive bigger and more expensive cars than their own, then call you derogatory names because they don't want to believe you could actually work and buy your own wheels.  I know a lot of my sisters are reading this and agreeing with me and if you are that one male reader who just went 'nxxxxxxa!' in disgust, then I'm talking to you.  Instead of being mad, appreciate a hard working sister.  Who knows, she might even give you a sympathy date......

8. Haters
Ladies who hang around my car hoping the driver is a nice guy, then get irritated when they see me.  These sisters are easy to spot for a mile away.  They chew gum with their mouths open, stand strategically near the driver's car door and their plastic hair extensions shouldn't be in the sun for too long.  Stop hating gals; if its any consolation, I test drive cars for a living so I get all the fancy wheels.  Besides that, if you are selecting eligible men based on the size of the debt of their cars then your issues are not for discussion on this platform.  Seek professional help.

9.  R.Kelly Wanna-be's
Petrol attendants who mack women when we go to fill up- dude, what could you possibly have to offer?  No disrespect,  but at best you have  a bicycle, and even then, you are too unfit to ride it to work.  Perhaps if you could get petrol at staff discount your lyrics might be a hit with one or two ladies, but asides from that I just don't see the fit.  Sorry!

10. Sexually over confident
We've all had the misfortune of seeing them, yes, guys (and women) who urinate on the side of the road.  There was a time when that sort of thing was unheard of and if you needed to answer the call of nature, you did so discreetly, behind a tree or bush, but not in these times..... Motorists and passengers can be seen relieving themselves - sometimes into on coming traffic without a care.  If you need to go, and there aren't any amenities in the vicinity, then by all means, into the bushes you go, but do us all a favor and retain your dignity.  Having said that, whenever I have seen someone doing this, I always make a silent wish that something could jump out of the grass and bite your delicacies! (just being honest).

All time pet hate has to be driving behind a bakkie-load of labourers who seem to amuse themselves by humiliating the lady driver directly behind them with their vulgar innuendos, whistling and gesturing, causing other motorists to turn and look at the poor woman. The worst part is that in most instances, she would be too much a lady to gesture rudely back at them, even though her vehicle would be stuck behind theirs, without anywhere to go.  If  I did carry a sjambok in my car, I would smile seductively, gesture for one of the labourers to hop out of the bakkie, pull up along side him and sjambok him mercilessly on behalf of all the women who have ever been subjected to this type of humiliation.